December 6, 2017 ??????

Ian stayed with his grandmother until Tuesday morning. I'm glad because she gets so lonesome. She also told me that he had borrowed $170 from her so that he could make a rush trip to Hot Springs on Thursday and get a rush passport. This is the same passport I filled out and gave him all the paperwork in August, which he lost. Then near November 1, I filled it all out again and put $139 in his account so he could pay for it. He assured me he had mailed it off and we werte just waiting for it. I guess he spent the money and never ordered the passport. I mentioned last week that I would go alone if he hadn't received his passport. That may have sparked panic. I hope he pulls it off.

He didn't come home or call last night. When he came in at 7:30 this morning he said he was sorry. I responded, "no you're. not, or you would have called and it wouldn't happen so frequently." I went home for lunch and Sarah was there. I just got my stuff and left. The old Hee Haw show had a phrase, "gloom, dispair, and agony on me."

What Am I Going To Do? (12/2/2017)

I knew that Keri’s death would change everything. I just did not know the extent. I find myself wishing that I could have just gone with her. I told myself that I had to look after Ian. I had no idea what a joke that was. We haven’t looked after him in years. He may or may not come home at night. He doesn’t have a job and doesn’t seem interested in finding one. He calls when he needs someone to pay for his meal, otherwise I never hear from him. Even on my birthday, he called for me to meet him and Sarah at Chili’s but only had a $10. He told me to come straight back after ASCDS because he had a card and something for me. I did, of course, and he said hi and went out and sat in the car with Sarah until I was in bed. I was disappointed but not surprised.

Today I asked him to do some things around the house and he said he was going up to his grandmothers. He actually went climbing with CJ and then back to Conway. It’s 9:22 on Saturday night and he still is in Conway. I now realize that I have absolutely no one to depend on and that he will tell me whatever he thinks I want to hear. I fall for it every time because I so want to believe him. I’m not a fool. Well, I guess I am. I just so want to believe him. What do I do now? What am I going to do?

11:32 pm Ian is now on the road headed to his grandmothers. I hope he sleeps in the car. He doesn’t need to disturb her at this time of night. What is wrong with that kid????

POSTSCRIPT: (12/3/2017)
He did sleep in his car. He pulled in at Clarksville and stayed in a parking lot there from about 1:30 until 9:00 Sunday morning. He then drove up to his grandmothers. At 10:30 she called and asked if I had been trying to call her and I told her it was probably Ian because he was outside. He later said that he had had a flat and was just too exhausted to change it.

Thanksgiving (11/25/2016)

I’ve been at mom’s since Wednesday morning. Mom’s OCD is getting worse but she is chugging along. Ian did a racing trip to Georgia to climb with some friends on Wednesday. He was supposed to be back to mom’s by noon but it was obvious (GPS tracker) he wasn’t going to make it so mom and I accepted an invitation to Faye and Stan Sawyer’s. It was a nice meal and visit. Ian made it by 8:30 so we had dinner for the three of us.

Friday we started decorating mom’s house for Christmas. Ian did the outside and I worked on the inside. At one point, I went out to help Ian and a lady bug landed on my hand. To me, it signaled Keri’s presence. We got a lot done.

This morning, Ian headed to Dover to climb but missed the climbers (lack of planning) so is currently deciding whether to go to Searcy to help the lady that often hires him to put up her lights. Who can predict from minute to minute what he will do.

25 Years Later!! (11/20/2017)

It was a good weekend. This was the 25th anniversary of the election of Bill Clinton as the 42nd President of the US. Keri and I received our invitations and I started not to even consider it. At the last minute, I called and they welcomed Ian as my guest, so we went. The Arkansas Traveler reunion was Friday evening. Jim Guy Tucker and Jimmy Lou Fisher recognized me and came over to visit. I introduced Ian to them and we remembered good times. I introduced Ian to Mark Prior as well. I could not have gone without Keri if Ian had not gone with me. We went back Saturday for the Kumpirus Lecture featuring Bill and Hilary, moderated by James Carvill. We had a reserved section close to the front. It was a great presentation. I told Ian that it illustrated all the reasons I was a Democrat. There was a “picnic” afterwards at the Clinton Library. Ian said he had a good time and his presence made it possible for me to go. I missed Keri desperately of course, but I was there with our son.

Sunday, I came to Coal Hill and helped mom. This morning we’ll go shopping and I’ll head back to Searcy tonight. It was a good weekend.

Retirement Letter (11/14/2017)

I submitted my retirement letter. I always thought I would compose this grand letter and there would be some drama around the announcement but the reality is that I announced it in a CSD faculty meeting and sent an email this morning. It seems strange that my career should end with so little drama.

Return to Arkansas (11/12/2017)

ASHA is over and we are headed home. The trip was OK and it was great to see old friends. We learned and played, but there was something missing. Although Keri seldom went with me in later years, I was always excited about telling her about our adventures. I’m going home to a vacant house. Ian is away.

There is excitement about my upcoming retirement. I have a great amount of discarding to do in my office. It will take me until the end of June to get it straightened out. I am going to go to Africa for several weeks in May so I need to use my time wisely.

California Dreaming (11/9/2017)

I’m in Los Angeles, CA for the ASHA Convention. I’ve missed the last two ASHAs and I really can’t seem to get into it this year. Beckie, Tim and I took a colleague that we first met at a restaurant in the Arcade in Lusaka, Zambia. We had a great visit and she provided a lot more information about things in Zambia.

Alzheimer’s Walk for a Cure (11/4/17)

We walked yesterday in memory of Keri and Poppy, and in honor of Tony. It was the AR Walk to Cure Alzheimer’s. Jill Valentine, a friend of Keri’s from college, works at the Searcy Edward Jones office. Edward Jones is the major national sponsor so they asked in June if they could honor Keri. Keri died a week later so it changed to “in memory of”. As of yesterday, we were the top fundraiser in AR. Jill designed the t-shirt and managed all aspects of the “walk.” It was a good, but emotional day.

I drove back to Searcy to participate in the “Jammin for Jesse” event in support of suicide prevention. I took Ian back after supper last night. I think they had a good turnout.

Another Cub Weekend (10/27-29/2017)

Chris called this past Monday and asked if I would work the Cub Camp Weekend. I had no firm commitments so I agreed. There is something strangely comforting about being here. Many of the staff knew Keri as well and I can talk about her in this place without those strange glances. I worked here for 4 summers with Keri being a part of 3 of them. I would like to come up with something to mark her presence. I’m thinking about a marble bench like they put up for Denise Bounds. I’ll need to talk to someone about that.

Arkansas beats Ole Miss by 1 point. Keri, this one’s for you!!!!!! Penn State also lost to Ohio State by 1 point. This hasn’t been my “football day.”

Harding Homecoming 2017 (10/21/17)

This is my first homecoming without Keri. The HUE 2003 group had a reunion which I attended. I just couldn’t bear the regular tailgate this year. Keri and I started it together during the Fall of 1998 and, with few exceptions, we always attended it together. She was even able to go last year and I have several photos of her there. One keeps popping in my mind. I see her sitting in her chair as we packed everything up until finally, the only things left were her and her chair.

I stopped by the Original Tailgaters a couple of times, but spent the rest of the time with the few HUE people who attended. It was good to see them but that also made me miss my Keri. Ian is at a camping trip with Troop 96 (1 boy). He so wanted to be here.