Halloween 2017

It is a lonely day. Dad died 13 years ago this morning. The Samhain dance last night was nice and I was so glad I went, but I so missed Keri. Halloween was always her thing. She got dressed up and decorated as much as she could. She even got out her Halloween houses with the sound effects and put them by the front door. She used to love to sit there as a witch with Hattie, our black cat laying beside her, waiting for the trick-or-treaters. As I posted last year, I got her dressed up and we sat in the front yard so that she could participate.

Keri Tullos, October 31, 2016

She had a good time, I think. I may have known that it would be her last, but I didn't think about those things. I sure miss her now!!! It will be a lonely, lonely night.

No Visit at Samhain

Yesterday, I was sitting at my desk when I heard Jack Shock come in and ask if Beckie was in. Martha told him no and he asked to leave something. He didn't ask if I was in and made no effort to see me, even though my office door was next to Beckie's and standing open. It made me realize how much water has flowed under that bridge. I would have to say that we considered hime one of our best friends for a good portion of our lives. The illness of his neice and the falsehoods that were presented to him by her and by Beckie effectively put an end to that. Keri and I both hoped he would see that he had not been told the truth but it never happened. I always thought that he would see that the things that he had been told were untrue, and maybe ask me about that time. Unfortunately, I realized yesterday, that there will not be a change and that our friendship had indeed ended.

Last night, I went to the social dance for the ASCDS. At one time, we had a big Samhain weekend with a workshop during the day and a ball that night. Keri and I went all out and decorated with a Scottish Halloween theme. We held it several different places and finally ended up at Park Hill Presbyterian Church, where we danced last night. It was a really big deal with fog machines, our own design, t-shirts. Several people last night said they still had their t-shirts but I can't find ours. It was a good evening.

ASCDS (10/16/2017)

Ian said he was coming to NLR for Scottish dancing tonight. He said he wanted to take the class and I paid the $60, but he has not come consistently. I thought, after the events of the last several days, that he would come if he could get out of his class in time. I saw he was at the house at 5:45 so I was glad he would be coming. It is now 6:29, and he’s still at the house. He has no intention of coming but will tell me that his class didn’t let out in time, or some other made-up excuse. I so despair for his future.

I checked around 9:00 and he was still at the house. I knew, deep down, that he would leave before I got home, and that’s exactly what happened. I don’t know what time he left because I was driving back to Searcy. But leave he did, and he will be out late, so I’ll go to bed. Oh darling girl, I miss you so desperately.


He was home before midnight so maybe we are moving in the right direction.

Win & Loss (10/15/2017)

On Friday, Ian did not get up and go to work after staying out very late on Thursday. Unfortunately, I left for ArkSHA at 5:45 am so I was not there to help. He lost his job as a result. I’ve known it was coming, I’m just surprised it took so long. Thus he lost his recommendation from the only real job he has ever had. On Saturday, he won 2nd place in the King of the Crag competition. He told me about both tonight. I want so much to celebrate something, anything with him. When I tried to talk about the job and prospects he smarted off and I told him to just go. I so want to celebrate something with him.

ArkSHA at Hot Springs (10/13/2017

“I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”

Maya Angelou

The above quote was used during one of the presentations At ArkSHA. It is indeed profound. I am at the ArkSHA Convention in Hot Spring again. It may well be my last while working for Harding. Keri and I always had such a good time when we went down for this. She usually had a massage and we always visited with such great people. For 11 or so years, I was on the ArkSHA Board and very involved with all aspects of the Convention. The younger ones have taken over and it was a good meeting, but I couldn’t help but remember being involved with all the hustle and bustle. There were a few of us old hangers-on. Martha Allan, Gretchen Hicks, Sharon Ross and Kathy McDaniels were all there. Kathy even presented with the Clinic Directors. Jan Traughber and Jennifer Fisher represented us well. Melanie (Lowry) Meeker is now on the Board and will be putting on the Convention next year. It’s in good hands and it’s time to let go. Being in Hot Springs with Keri was sad.

Gus Blass Scout Reservation (10/6/2017)

I’m back at Gus Blass for the first time since I drove away with Keri in March. I’m back for a weekend Cub activity. Our cabin is still there and Keri’s hummingbird feeder is still hanging on the porch. I’m in the room at Reynolds I lived in the first summer Ian and I were on staff. It feels strange to be here without my darling girl.

(10/7/2017)

I didn’t sleep well so I’m sitting at the check-in tent at 6:30, waiting for Cubs. It’s quiet and I find myself dwelling on my Keri. She so loved it here and we were always involved in some adventure or another. I’m understanding the term “bittersweet” more and more. I almost feel she’s with me (and so want her to be), but I’m glad we had our time here and that is calming.

Jesse (9/29/2017)

“Some people say time heals all wounds but i disagree some wounds are so deep that all you can do is learn to live with them... it will get easier with time but the scars they leave will always be there..... i love you Jeremy M. James and i can only hope and pray that with time you will learn to live again.”

My friend, and the child of dear friends, Joey Hacker, posted this on Facebook yesterday. It is so perfectly said that I had to copy and place it here. Jeremy and Jennifer lost their son, Jesse on Friday. I don’t know all the details but apparently there was bullying and Jesse took his own life.

Eggnog (9/30/2017)

Walmart has their eggnog out. I have been dreading it (and looking for it) because that was always such a treat for Keri. We would always treat ourselves to the first carton we saw.

Goodbye Mamaw (9/26/2017)

I don't dream much, or if I do, I don't remember them the next day. However, I woke up to a dream this morning of my grandmother, Gladys Rusk Chrisman, my Mamaw. It was bizarre and involved getting a riding lawnmower on the balcony of a nice hotel and the struggles to get it off. From there it evolved into all of my family coming to the hotel to see us before we headed out for a flight, all still at the hotel. I was going to travel with Alesa and Dave Garner but I got separated from everybody at the hotel. When I finally made it back to everyone on the ground floor it turned into the gate at the airport and my Mamaw was there to see me off. We walked together holding on to each other, talking, until she gave me a few pieces of candy. Then I woke. It was a sweet dream which fills me with longing. It may be an emotional day.

What Can I Say (9/25/2017)

Ian went with me to the Mandela and Art of Africa opening last night at the Clinton Library. He slept most of the day and seemed unable to get ready. We left 35 minutes after we planned. It was a good evening but he went out after we got home and didn't get back until 1:00 AM. Now he is not getting up. It is now 7:04 and he was supposed to be at 7:00. I have no idea what is wrong with that kid.

The End of Troop 96 (9/19/2017)

I'm sitting at, what appears to be, one of the last meetings of Troop 96. Ian has tried valiantly to keep it going but has been unable to get any parent support. We had counted on a large group of Webelos Scouts to come over from Pack 98 but discovered that they have formed their own Troop. Unfortunately, Willie Abrams and Jack Exum were/are involved with the new Troop 98, so Ian and I feel that we've been betrayed. The District and the Council helped with it all so we've just been kicked in the pants. Add to that the fact that there is only 1 Scout here tonight. Ian is teaching the Metal Working Merit Badge to Ben because no one else chose to come. I've sent an email to Jay and Rusty (our DE) to ask about the process of disbanding. Once I receive that, I'll talk to Ian and Sue Bufford about what we need to do now. One more cause for Ian's severe depression.