The Hollowness Continues (8/2/2017)

I told Ian to come by my office on the way back into town after work. I now realize that is the only way I can see him. He asked for $120 yesterday to change the oil in his car and have his tires rotated. When I looked at his account (to make sure he had enough money) I saw that he had paid out $115 to one of his friends. He explained that this person worked at WalMart and paid for the job with his discount. I hate to be suspicious but he has burned me so many times. He also said he didn't feel good so didn't want to eat with me. He was going straight home. I went to church and got home at 8:30. He wasn't here and hasn't been all night. It's now 10:35. Why am I not surprised? I miss Keri more than ever and Ian spends as little time at the house as he possibly can. It may well be his coping mechanism but it leaves me so alone. I need to cut him loose! He was such a help to me while Keri was alive, but now he is draining all the life out of me. I worry about him all the time. He absolutely refuses to keep me posted about his whereabouts. When he does tell me something, he's never where he says he will be. He comes home extremely late, usually midnight or later and I lay here worrying about where he is and what he is doing. He's supposed to be at work by 7:00 am but he almost never gets up on time and I feel obligated to beat on his wall and get him up, but he usually ignores me. Makes me feel so insignificant. The only way I can get a good nights sleep is to take some sleeping pills but that's not good for a diabetic and hepatitis survivor. So I just stumble around like a zombie. I've explained this to him several times, this afternoon included. He assured me he would come home and get some rest himself. Is he here? Of course not.

Insurance (7/31/2017)

It's the end of July and Keri has been gone for about 6 weeks. I have received her $10,000 State Farm Life Insurance and her $30.000 Harding Life Insurance. I have put them in the bank to help fund our house repairs which I now must do. I meet with the Social Security people tomorrow to get advice on what to do now. Ian has been away for 4 days and nights and popped in for a few minutes and then headed over to Sarah's. He said coming into this house made him cry because he "expected" Mom to be here.

I Need Help (7/29/2017)

I think I need some help. I just see no purpose in anything. I don't want to be with anyone but I get upset when I'm excluded (or perceive that I am). Ian no longer needs me, except to pay for thing and is always off with his friends (as it should be).

Bags and Boxes of Memories (7/28/2017)

I have spent the day going through stacks of cloths deciding whether I will keep them or distribute them. I have a bag that I'm giving to mom. These include most of the White Stag items I bought for Keri. Every time I went to Walmart, I went by the White Stag table to see if they had anything new. If they did, I would often buy it, even if Keri didn't need it. It made her, and me happy. I still go by and look. The day I buy something I promise I will seek professional help. The other bags went to Goodwill. It was hard. It was hard! There were some items that I just could not take, like her Hudson Bay Blanket coat. I will keep that, at least for now. I'm about to take it to the cleaners along with Keri's Philmont jacket. Needless to say, it's been another day of tears!