Eilean Donan Castle

Eilean Donan Castle will always be a special place for me. When Keri and I were planning to go to Europe for the first time in 1993, I asked her to make a list of things that she absolutely had to see or do. She worked on it for awhile, and finally came up with only two "absolute necessities", Eilean Donan Castle and the Sound of Music tour. Of course we did both. Whenever I see anything about either, I instantly think of Keri, and us there. This photo of Eilean Donan appeared on Instagram today and, of course, I'm transported back to 1993, in this exact location. Happy memories!!!!!

Teal Light Night (9/8/2017)

Tonight was the Arkansas Ovarian Cancer Coalition night at the Clinton Library. Keri and I had such a good time last year and we have gone every year. I felt the need to go. Tammy Higdon and Renee Gentry were there with Alesa. Jessica James was there with a friend. Eddie Shields, a friend of Keri's from Pleasant Valley who lost his wife to ovarian cancer was there with many of his family. It was not as hard as I thought it was going to be. I'm so glad I went. The bridges in LR were lit up with teal lights and there were three luminaries there for Keri again this year. Last year Alesa, Lauren, and the coalition had luminaries in honor of Keri. This year, Alesa, I, and the coalition had them in memory of Keri. During one of the videos, there was a picture of Keri and I went to the Facebook page and there were several of her. She is remembered. I AM glad I went.

Ian Worries, Chapter 479..or whatever (9/6/2017)

My worries for and about Ian continue. Ian is ill. He's not eating, etc., but I can't get him to get any sleep. He could not get up and probably barely made it to work. He turned his phone off sometime during the day and hasn't come home. I found his house key in the bathroom and asked him to come get it and I haven't heard from him. Who knows if he will come home tonight. Another sleepless night for me.....

We Remember Them (9/5/2017)

We Remember Them by Sylvan Kamens & Rabbi Jack Riemer

At the rising sun and at its going down; We remember them.

At the blowing of the wind and in the chill of winter; We remember them.

At the opening of the buds and in the rebirth of spring; We remember them.

At the blueness of the skies and in the warmth of summer; We remember them.

At the rustling of the leaves and in the beauty of the autumn; We remember them.

At the beginning of the year and when it ends; We remember them.

As long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as We remember them.

When we are weary and in need of strength; We remember them.

When we are lost and sick at heart; We remember them.

When we have decisions that are difficult to make; We remember them.

When we have joy we crave to share; We remember them.

When we have achievements that are based on theirs; We remember them.

For as long as we live, they too will live, for they are now a part of us as, We remember them.

Bad Day ... Bad Bad Day (9/4/2017)

It's been a really hard day. Ian seldom comes around anymore. He spends most of his time with Sarah. He did come home late without his key (after I was in bed) and, since today was Labor Day, stayed in bed this morning. Of course I had to work. He spent the last three nights away. I guess this is now my life and I'm very emotional about it. 

I was very emotional about everything at work today as well. I wish I had retired but I stayed on for Keri. Now she is gone. I'm glad I outlived her so I could take care of her those last several years but I wonder if there is anything left for me. I planned for a trip to London after Christmas but I can't even get Ian interested in doing that with me. I've been trying to get him to sit down with me for weeks to fill out the paperwork for him a new passport, but he can't be bothered. I finally did it myself and layed it on his bed. I think now it would have been better for me to go by myself. He has his life, and I guess he should get on with it. I'll take some sleeping pills and go to bed. That way I won't lay there worried about him. I wonder if he will even bother to come home tonight.

Goodbye Mr. Parks (9/3/2017)

I came up to Mom's yesterday to help with the yard. In casual conversation, Mom mentioned that Mr. Mac Parks had died. When she showed me the obituary, I realized that he had died shortly after we talked with him on Saturday, August 12. He was at his usual post at the exit of Walmart and his last statement to me was asking if I would be at Church the next day. Apparently, he wasn't feeling well and went to his truck during break. That is where they found him. He was such a kind man and I enjoyed knowing him all these years. His daughter Mittie was one of my undergrad students. He will be missed. 

Ian has deserted me. He is 20, but he appears to have moved in with Sarah. Of course, he doesn't talk to me about it. He just leaves me awake at night waiting for him to come home. This is certainly not the life I had expected to lead. Of course, I understand that "home" is not where he wants to be since his mom has died, but it breaks my heart.

Depression (8/30/2017)

Ian is depressed. I hope to call Richard Duke tomorrow and make an appointment for him. He called in this morning so he wouldn't need to go to work. I asked him to come home for awhile tonight so we could talk. He did but cried throughout.  He does need some help. He's starting to lose weight.

On My Honor (8/22/2017)

Tonight was my first Troop 96 meeting in about a year. It was a little bittersweet because Keri's death allowed me to return. Nico and Gio are back but the other faces are the same. They are planning camping trips and other activities but still have no adults to accompany them. Nothing has changed, except that there is now a Troop 98. Willie Abrams, Jack Exum, Holly Money, and all the kids and parents from Pack 98 have created a new troop. Now they are asking us to pair with them (so they can use our equipment, I'm sure). I was writing Jay Niederbrach an email when he walked in. I unleashed my frustration but of course it's not his fault. Ian feels especially betrayed by his friends and by the Council. What should have been a positive evening just fed my depression.

We Saw It, Darling Girl (8/21/2017)

Ian and I went to see the total solar eclipse. We drove to Farmington, MO and stayed with Enola's sister, Debbie. The media had talked about the crowds and how difficult it would be, but we never saw any crowd. It was just Ian, Debbie, and I, with our eclipse glasses sitting on her back deck. She even grilled some hotdogs. It was perfect. So we did see it, like we planned so long ago. If only Keri had been with us. 

When did I start calling Keri "Darling Girl"? I think it was when she stopped talking back and our conversations became a monologue. I really noticed it during those last several weeks.

Killer Cat (8/10/2017)

Ian and Sarah worked for much of the afternoon cleaning up the library. They found all kinds of things that Keri had stashed. There was a beautiful shell chip and dip tray, stacking bowls, and some Mardi Gras serving plates. I will keep the plates, Sarah took the bowls and I guess I'll send the chip & dip to Goodwill. I hate to but I will probably never use it. 

I guess all the activity threatened Allowat in some way because he got more and more aggressive. He kept following us around hissing and he finally went after Ian and bit his hand hard. I then swung a shirt at him and he came after me and scratched my right arm badly. It got worse and he came after my leg as I was trying to get by and I kicked him into the air. I don't know what is happening but I am going to have to get him neutered and declawed.

Goodbye Glen Campbell (8/9/2017)

Glen Campbell died last night. He had been suffering from Alzheimer's for many years and even went on a last tour. He became the face of Alzheimer's as we were dealing with everything. Several of the tributes today have brought tears to my eyes. 

Steve just called and we had a good visit. He kept asking how I was and I just lied through my teeth as I said, "I'm OK." I guess that will be true for the rest of my life. 

After our talk yesterday, Ian sent me a text around 11:00pm that they were watching a movie so I thought maybe he heard me. Then, when I got up around 6:30, he was coming through the front door. He hadn't even bothered to call or text and say he wouldn't be home. I give up! I absolutely give up. 

"I Always Tell You What I'm Doing" (8/8/2017)

Ian and I are unable to communicate and it seems to be getting worse instead of better. I came home yesterday at 3:00 and Ian and Sarah were cleaning in the bathroom. It upset me because I've asked that she not spend time in this horrible house. I picked up what I needed and headed back to the office. Tonight, he said I was never here when he planned to be so this was two sided. Maybe we can get through this but it certainly won't be through conversation.